where does the time go?

it has been a literal age since i've posted. and, as usual, so much has happened that it will take a lot of writing to convey it all. so, i thought i might use this as our new year's/valentine's day letter. normal people like to write christmas letters. but, let's be honest, we heaners are not normal people.

i know it's not going to be surprising when i say that this past year has been one of both joy and sadness, gain and loss, triumph and... well... not-so-triumphant. because that's life. it's a mingle, a divine mish-mash. a glorious, terrifying mess and all the more beautiful for it.

we spent a good portion of this year just settling into marriage. we figured out that it takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy, loving spousal relationship -- it's even more work than long-distance dating. but even the hardest of the hard stuff in our life together has been full of beauty, joy and reward beyond measure. we laugh together. we trust each other. we forgive one another. we never run out of things to talk about. we like each other. a lot. it's easily been the best year of either of our lives. as cliche as that might sound, it's the gulldurned truth. yeah... being married is good business.

i started school in september. i was a little bit rusty and rather full of trepidation, but i made the dean's list in that first semester back. and that while working 30-35 hours a week and taking 12 credits. i'm bragging a little, but mostly i feel relieved. i also feel really grateful for a kind, generous husband. tim helped so much around the house and gave me space to study and freak out and study some more. next semester, for various reasons, i've decided to only take one 5-credit course. striking a balance has never been one of my strong suits. it always takes a while for me to get comfortable...

speaking of which, tim changed jobs twice this year. he was working at engen power products, managing the shop for the industrial battery supplier. when he finally landed a construction job in july, they were sad to see him go. but go he did, to a company called solid construction. the long-awaited construction job was less than ideal, though. it required a lot of traveling. and entry-level pay is... well... entry level. tim gave it a good go, but after three months, we decided that the impact the job was having on our little family was just too much. so, after a lot of deliberation, he decided he wanted to make a proposal to his previous employer, EPP. he met with the owner and explained what he wanted to do. the owner was more than agreeable, gave tim a raise and welcomed him back quite happily. tim's now the shop manager and in charge of increasing communication and efficiency in the company (so up his alley!). i couldn't be prouder of him.

now we're both back in school, though each of us is only taking one class. i'm taking spanish (still working, albeit slowly, on finishing that B.A.) and tim is taking psychology (working on a business degree).

we spent our one-year anniversary in myrtle beach, south carolina. the word lovely doesn't cover it. we spent nearly every day either at the beach or one of the many resort pools. we visited georgetown and walked the spanish-moss-draped historic streets.

(in georgetown, sc)
a really big (and apparently scary) gator

we saw too many alligators and crocodiles to make a girl comfortable. we ate great seafood and went to a really fancy restaurant called the library (it smelled like old books and creaky leather mingled with fresh rosemary and garlic -- perfect for this girl). we walked on boardwalks. we watched sunrises. we saw pods of dolphins. we read and played games and watched cable tv. we talked a lot and made some big decisions:

1) tim was going to quit his construction job (see above)
2) we were going to start trying to have a baby (yes. a baby.)
3) we were going to start looking for a house (yes. a house.)

we're still looking for a house. the baby's due august 18th, 2011. we are so excited. and blessed. and the teensiest bit nervous. i feel great. i haven't had any morning sickness so far, and though i'm often tired, i feel so happy that the exhaustion doesn't totally register. tim's reading a ton of fathering books, and i'm reading just as many birthing books. it's fun to research things together. also, we have incredibly generous friends. as soon as they found out we were pregnant, they started loading us up with lovely baby items. the news hasn't even been out that long.

what gains we've experienced this year have been tempered by loss. we lost two grandfathers this year. tim's maternal grandpa, lawrence joyce, passed away just before mother's day. we miss his singing, his laughter and his storytelling. his passing is a loss to those of us who remain behind. we are comforted by the knowledge that it was his time. and he went so peacefully home to Jesus. my paternal grandpa, clyde kieffer, passed away just before thanksgiving. he had five sons and each was able to spend time with him in the hospital before he passed away. much healing came from those final days together. i miss him in unexpected moments. now that he's passed on, i find that he occupied a large space in my heart. i know i'll see him again, but that now-empty space does ache sometimes.

grandma ruth and grandpa lawrence joyce

grandpa clyde kieffer

i think that's enough news for now. i promise to be better about posting this year. there will be so much to tell.

much love from the heaners.

back to school and other miscellany

time is a precious commodity these days. so i'll try to keep this post short and to the point.

i started school this week. i'm taking 16 credits, which works out to be about 35 hours of actual study/prep/in-class time. i'm working full time, too. so that means there isn't much free time. i know i'll eventually figure out how to balance everything + make the most of every moment of the day. but this first week has been hectic, to say the least.

tim's been in illinois for work for the past three weeks. not sure whether we posted anything about this or not, but he got a job with a company called "solid construction." he likes being able to actually use his construction skills, but he's not overly fond of the traveling portion of the job. it's not like they go to exotic locations. for the job he's currently on "traveling" essentially means working 10-12 hour days + spending the rest of his time trying to figure out something to do in the teensy town he's working in, aside from watching cable at the super 8 motel.

we're homesick for each other + trying to make the best of things. thank God for cell phones.

in other news, my sister, kim, has moved into the upstairs portion of our duplex. she + her roommate are excellent neighbors + i've enjoyed having girly movie nights with them.

tim's mom just got back from a trip to kenya. we haven't had a chance to hear the stories yet, but we're looking forward to hearing them + seeing all the pictures of her adventures there.

we're quickly nearing the one-year marker. we'll be taking a weeklong trip to myrtle beach, sc to celebrate. actually, the way things worked out, the trip will be really economical. a few years back, tim won first prize at a church event -- a week at an oceanside condo in myrtle beach. we weren't even engaged at that point, so he never used the condo. we contacted the people who had donated the prize + they were thrilled that we were still interested in using it (seriously? how awesome are they?). so... essentially free place to stay in this goregous little town. also, on our honeymoon, our flights were overbooked + we chose to take a "bump" in exchange for a direct flight to hawaii + $300 flight vouchers each. so our flights to myrtle beach only cost us $145 total. heck to the yes! i can't wait to get out of town. a solid week together seems like an extravagance beyond imagining.

oh! and as an added bonus, one of my favorite high school teachers just moved to myrtle beach, so we're going to take her out to dinner some night. how fun is that?

we'll post lots of pictures when we get back.

a little catching up to do

sooo much has been happening. too much to blog about in the moment. as a result, we will subject you to a series of flashback-style posts to get you all up to date on the heaner family happenings.

we took a spur-of-the-moment trip to appleton, which is where lisa spent many of the happiest moments of her childhood, and (perhaps not coincidentally) the majority of the kieffer cousins live(d). adam + sarah + family were also in appleton at the time. so we had a truncated version of a kieffer cousins reunion at uncle john + aunt colette's place. the kieffer bros were in attendance, along with the always lovely abby. and we played some of the most hilarious rounds of "he said, she said" that have ever been played.

evidence of the somewhat twisted hilarity:

this is adam's "i can't believe you just said that!" face

and how cute is abby in her hat?
table-pounding funniness.

cousin adam vs. the unstoppable uncle joe

(joe, joe, supercool joe)

tim inhaling his watermelon

next to grandpa kieffer carefully cutting his pizza

giving up. or, love is risky.

what if we stop having a ball?

what if the paint chips from the wall?

what if there's always cups in the sink?

and what if i'm not what you think i am?

what if i fall further than you?

what if you dream of somebody new?

what if i never let you win and chase you with the rolling pin?

well, what if i do?

cause i am giving up on making passes

and i am giving up on half-empty glasses

and i am giving up on greener grasses

i am giving up

what if our baby comes in after nine?

what if your eyes close before mine?

what if you lose yourself sometimes?

then i'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

cause i am giving up on making passes

and i am giving up on half-empty glasses

and i am giving up on greener grasses

i am giving .... i'm giving up on greener grasses

i am giving up .... for YOU.... i am giving up

lately, i've been thinking about love. and marriage. and what it takes to really "make it." to have a love -- and a marriage -- that stands the tests of time, cultural influences, familial and scheduling pressures, raising children (or not), career choices, the loss of friends and kindred, the change of seasons, and myriad other things.

i've been realizing that i have all these little buried fears and insecurities that have to do with spending myself so completely on one thing... on one PERSON. it's a fearful act of trust and faith to be married. and i am such a flawed, frail individual.

i suppose that's the part of the question that only has one Answer. that somehow, i must reach out to the One who is Love incarnate... to give me strength to be more honest, more sincere, more trusting, more hopeful, more faithful, more sacrificially giving than i have the heart to be in my own power. and i must choose to do this day in and day out. to give myself up to the questions, to defy my own fears and just keep walking.

i look around and see examples of incredible longevity and joy. and i also see deep brokenness. i want my life, and our life together, to be the former.

i'm desperately hopeful. and, once again, i'm giving up.

six days + counting...

i love traveling by myself. there's just something so completely wonderful about setting off on one's own, carry-on in hand, seeking adventure + good food.


the thing i love most about traveling by myself is the people watching. you can people watch when you're with someone, but it's just not the same. there are certain social requirements that come with traveling as part of a group. but when you're by yourself, you can just allow yourself to get swept up into the mob. you can stop + smell the roses without worrying about inconveniencing or annoying your traveling companion. in short, you don't have to be polite if you don't want to. you're free to explore + experience at your own pace.

in six days, i leave our lovelygreenspringtime twin cities for the east coast. mel + cody moved to ivycoveredhistoricbuildings princeton, nj last june. this will be my first visit to them. i'm totally geeking out about getting to see the princeton library. and take walks around the quaint little college town. and make food with mel in their little kitchen. and have long talks with the two oaks family members over a fantastic bottle of wine.


i'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable itch to move to a new city that always creeps up when i travel anywhere. i love hearing new accents. i love finding new cafes and coffee shops. i love that eye-popping feeling when everything around you is fresh + unique + altogether different from your everyday life.

mel + i have planned a quick jaunt to NYC while i'm there. thanks to our sisterwiththekillerhookups, kim, we've got a sweet room at a posh hotel that's really close to the brooklyn bridge. we'll take the train from princeton into penn station early on sunday morning + do the manhattan/village/ellis island thing while the city is quiet(er). then on monday we'll do the brooklyn heights thing, walk the bridge over to manhattan + do the central park/met museum thing. depending on how tired our poor little feet are, we'll take the train back to princeton either at 4pm or 4am tuesday. we're playing it by ear (or foot, as the case may be).

speaking of playing it by foot... i bought some new walking shoes in preparation for the many miles i plan to walk across the great island of manhattan. friendly blog reader, meet my new shoes. shoes, be polite. say hello.

they look pretty ugly in the pic, but they're actually danged adorable for walking shoes. so flippin' comfortable + lightweight. i'm in danger of writing haiku in their praise. i'll try to keep that ill-conceived urge to myself, though.


so, i have the shoes. i have the plane ticket. i have the hotel reservation. i have the PTO. (i am grateful to you, oh thankless, mindless desk job. i love you for your benefits. we can still be friends once i've used you for them, right?)


the thing i'm most looking forward to? being silly + enjoying warmbowlofhonestysistertime with mel. yes. it will be good for the soul.


new jersey, here i come!



(mel, i promise not to embarrass you -- or myself... or the rest of the sophisticated population -- with the dressflyingintheupdraft thing. not this time, anyhow.)

oops! i did it again...

or, more precisely, i didn't do it... again.

it's been months since my last post. i always have the best of intentions. then i get busy, or what have you... weeks pass. then i have this sense that my next post had better be something really special to make up for the weeks + weeks of not writing anything at all. it's a defeatist cycle, really.

so, here i am, with nothing cool to say. no cool pictures. nada.

i have some fun birthday stuff to share (tim was 28 on the 28th of february - i turned 32 yesterday). but i have actual pictures to add to those, so i'll hold off.

mostly, i want to note a few small things:

1) i've discovered a new artist: lenka. love. her.

2) i also love the advent of 40 degree temperatures in minnesota. people (including me) pull out their toeless shoes, ditch the parkas + drive with the windows down. it's pure bliss.

3) went out for sushi + local funk music the other night with a girlfriend. i think that might be one of the best (and least expected) awesome combos ever. i'm just sayin'.

4) NYC guidebooks make for fun reading. it's like diving into the oxford english dictionary... way more information than a single brain could ever hope to hold, but lovely for that same reason.

okay... more soon. i promise!

the first christmas

here we are. the year 2010. tim + i made it past the buffeting of the holidays, our hair + emotional capacity a little worse for the wear, but otherwise breathlessly grateful. contented, even.


we didn't mean to, but ended up doing four christmases. five, if you include the one that we celebrated "just for us." mel + cody were home from princeton. rachel was home from montana. we just really didn't want to miss anything. i will say, though, that this year was quite a bit less hectic than the previous one.


the tuesday before christmas, we went to a singalong that grandma joyce led at the pines (their senior living community). it was awesome. i mean it. then we went back to mom heaner's place to exchange gifts + consume mass quantities of christmas cookies baked by rachel + linda. uncle peter was there, too. we missed having jonathan in the mix, though... dang, we miss that guy!

we celebrated christmas eve with mark + kathy. just us + them in burnsville. we ate the best beef stew i've ever had, exchanged gifts, laughed a lot. then we went to the christmas eve service at their church + afterward drove around to look at christmas lights.

it was snowing like crazy when tim + i left for north minneapolis. in fact, i can't remember a whiter christmas than 2009's.

christmas eve night we spent at home, lights low, christmas tree + candles glowing. we read the christmas story out loud to one another. i cried at the part where john leapt in elizabeth's womb when she heard mary's voice. that part makes me cry every single time. i don't know why, exactly. but i love it.

christmas morning, we woke up + sang happy birthday to jesus (just like we always did when i was growing up) + had birthday cake for breakfast. we opened our stockings + our gifts to each other. we laid on the couch + just enjoyed being with one another. it was lovely.

then around noon, we left for momma k's house. kim + mitch, mel + cody, mom + the heaners. it was quite a crowd. we ate a feast fit for kings, drank lots of wine, played board games, took lots of pictures + talked our heads off. a very kieffer christmas.

we got to spend a night on the town with melody to celebrate her birthday (ON her actual birthday, no less!). matt's bar for juicy lucy's -- tim's first ever -- then to psycho suzie's for tots + some very strong tropical drinks.

on sunday following melody's birthday, we went to tom + elle's to celebrate with mel + cody, kelly + art + maddy + adam. good food, adorable kids, fun gift swap/steal.

for new year's eve, we had our friends bud + rachel cushing + kim kieffer over. we played board games, watched monty python, drank lots, ate even more + had a generally rowdy + amazing time. the perfect way to ring in the new decade.

this past weekend, after celebrating the first decade of the new millennium, we spent some lovely time with the adam + sarah kieffer clan, went to a housewarming party for our dear friend, rachel, and finally made a stop at our neighborhood library.

we've been meaning to visit the library for months now. tim needed a library card. and i needed the comfort of being surrounded by shelves and shelves of nothing but books. (i could never, ever switch to kindle. sorry amazon.) our library is in an abandoned brewery. i know... right? how much happier a place could there possibly be?


sunday, we stayed at home the whole day. we read our new library books, watched a kung fu movie (i heart donnie yen) + ate leftovers. it was lovely. i felt completely relaxed + so connected to tim.


today is the coldest day of the winter so far + i've a flat tire to show for it. i made it to work just fine. but was alerted to the deflation by a concerned co-worker. i'm glad it didn't pop on the highway. i'm endlessly glad for a husband kind enough to offer to drive to plymouth from fridley + change it for me in the subzero temperatures. stinkin' cars. stinkin' tires. gracious God. loving husband.


i've been thinking all day about how much things have changed for us since we got married. in some ways (all the best ways), nothing at all has changed. we still like each other. i mean, really, genuinely like each other. we still laugh at all the same ridiculous jokes we laughed at before. we still like to hold hands. kissing hasn't lost any of its appeal.


really, though, our love for each other HAS changed. i remember thinking on our wedding day that i couldn't imagine loving tim any more than i did at that moment in time. but i DO love him more. i loved him then with every part of my heart + mind. but now that love is a part of my very body. i love him in my bones if that makes any sense. i'm doing a terrible job of describing it. mostly, i think, because it's a mystery to me. but i like it. i like our love. and i think that's a good thing.

good grief!

i've been slacking off... it's been nearly a month since my last post.

yesterday was the two month marker of being a married woman. tim was saying that sometimes it feels like we've been married two minutes, and sometimes it feels like two years. and he's right. it seems so natural to be together. but so new, too.

blah, blah, mushy stuff, blah. the point is, we're married. it's going well. we still like each other a lot. and from all accounts, that's a good sign.

we've been working our financial plan for the past month. it's gone pretty well. i've enjoyed the challenge of living on cash only. and i really appreciate all the communication that is necessary to make a budget (and a marriage) work.

the past few weeks have been s o . d a n g e d . b u s y ! we scheduled ourselves solid and found that it was really taking a toll on our energy + physical health, not to mention our mental health. tim came down with a cold. and i ended up in the emergency room on monday -- i have the i.v. bruises to prove it! we're both okay now. lesson learned.

we've begun a TIME budget... just being intentional about alone time, together time, family time + friends time. we'll see how it goes. but if the money budget is any indication, i'm looking forward to a serious reduction in stress levels for both of us.

we're hosting thanksgiving at our house this year for the moms, the joyce grandparents, uncle peter (mom h's younger brother -- a recent addition to the MN-dwellers), mom k's friend + former client, marge. hopefully, kim + boyfriend, mitch, will be able to stop by. but even without their company, we'll have a full house.

i was planning on brining the turkey, but realized the only place that's protected from the elements + still cool enough to store the turkey is the spider-infested garage. yep. brining is out. so i've switched to a orange rosemary recipe (though, per usual, i will depart from said recipe rather widely). i'm pretty excited about it.

i'm a little nervous about the gravy + the stuffing. historically, my attempts at gravy made rather poor showings. and i never eat the stuffing, so i'm fairly inept at making it.

* m m e h *

i guess that's what "the joy of cooking" is for.

i still have a whole bunch of hawaii pictures to post. AAANNNND all of our wedding pictures.

p.s. if you took pictures at our wedding, we'd love, love, love to see them. you can send them by email to lisaheaner@gmail.com if that suits your fancy.

being married

yeah... it pretty much rocks. i was emailing with my sister, melody, the other day. she asked me how it was being a newlywed. this was my response:

newlywed-dom is heaven, mel. i just teared up. gosh... so sappy!

but good Lord, i did not know it could be like this. i'm so grateful. so amazed. so breath-taken with God's kindness. so in love. so loved. i can hardly believe this is ME. this is MY LIFE.

last night, we stayed home + did laundry + worked on putting things away + watched episodes of lost intermittently. we laughed + talked + laughed some more. we fell asleep in each others' arms. i am SO happy.

we went to saturday night service at the church we've been visiting. it was a decent service... but the thing that blew me away was how close i felt to God + tim at the same time. it was so intense that i'm not even sure i can describe it. it was like i could feel God loving me + tim loving me + God loving me through tim. it was almost overwhelming. but so whole + peaceful too. at one point during the music/worship time, tim took my hand + looked down at me. and the look he gave me said, "i know what you're feeling. i'm feeling it too." and we just started crying.

i know it probably sounds really overly-emotional + dumb. but it was real. and i'm still sort of shaking my head over the whole thing. becoming one with Christ and with one another is so incredible + terrifying + so deeply, deeply good.

yes. i am in heaven on earth. which isn't to say that everything is perfect... it's not. we're not. but He is. and somehow, in His grace, that's enough.




also, i just wanted to say that we got the best photographers in the whole. wide. world.

cory + tamrah were nothing short of amazing from beginning to end.

i was going to try to post some of their work on the blog, but i couldn't get the images to translate to blogger... i'm far from savvy when it comes to these things. ANYhow... check out their blog site:

http://ctryan.com/blog/2009/10/02/lisa-and-tim-wedding/

and even if you don't want to look at pictures of us... visit their blog. they are SO talented. we will be using them to photograph every special occasion until they decide to retire. we are HUGE fans.

twenty five + counting

yeesh. i can hardly believe i'm typing that.

twenty. five. days.

the time has gone by so fast. but so slowly, at the same time. i'm ready to be married. i could skip the getting married part right now. mainly because i am aching for a daily life that isn't packed with a trillion little decisions + detail upon detail to take care of. i want to go to work + come home + actually have an evening in which i have nothing planned, nothing on the to-do list, nothing spinning in the back of my mind, demanding attention from an already overly crammed brain. when i can sit on the front porch with a cup of tea + a book, listening to the sounds of the neighborhood... just me + the quiet.

and tim, of course. in this fantasy life, he would be sitting next to me with a book of his own, or working on something in the garage. near. comfortable. at home together.

don't get me wrong: i have loved nearly every second of our engagement. it's been so fun seeing all my ideas come to life. seeing God provide + astound us with His imagination + ingenuity. seeing my friends + family gather 'round in support + joy.

one of the projects i'm currently working on is my veil. i decided (perhaps a little optimistically) to make my own. it's going to be really simple -- just a drop veil (pics below). but i'm still a tad nervous about it. if anyone has suggestions about how to make it happen... feel free to leave comments.

in the meanwhile, keep on counting. i know i am!

things i love about tim

1) he loves kung fu.
2) he has mad guitar skills.
3) he can leap tall retaining walls in a single bound.
4) he is gentle + strong.
5) he is flippin' hilarious.
6) his beautiful hands.
7) the way he laughs at himself when he thinks he's being funny.
8) he has the grossest he said/she said ideas. ever.
9) his honesty + transparency.
10) the way he so intentionally loves me.
11) he doesn't like to do the same thing over + over.
12) he likes to eat the food i make + finishes what's left on my plate.
13) that he plants + grows flowers to give to me.
14) he is a safe driver. (i'm serious -- i LOVE this about him)
15) he makes plans + follows through.
16) the way he looks at me when he thinks i don't notice.
17) kids flock to him -- they know he's safe + that he's genuinely interested in each one of them.
18) he's genuinely interested in any person that's open + honest.
19) he likes parties. i hate them. but i love that he likes them.
20) his spikey handwriting.
21) the way his skin smells.
22) the sound of his heartbeat.
23) when he gets punchy late at night + says the most ridiculous things.
24) that there's no discomfort in the silence.
25) i can say anything to him. anything.

i'm going to stop now... because i don't want everyone to start gagging. but, gosh... i love that guy. i love him so much.

when i grow up...

the other day, i was chatting with one of my dearest friends about the kind of person i want to be. and then, the next day, i found this quote on one of my favorite blogs. it so perfectly mirrored the essence of my heart's desire that i literally gasped when i read it.

she had a face like she had been crushed, but somehow survived, and squeezed every drop of compassion from her pain and painted it on her cheeks. she moved softly, without presumption. one might think she was pliable - such softness carries weakness with it. her secret, though, was that her beautifully humble exterior hid a strength no one expected.

let it be me...

yipes!

i just stole a glance at the countdown calendar + realized... *gasp* i only have 92 days left!

i felt the following emotions upon said realization in the following order:

1. excitement -- i get to marry my favorite person on the planet in approximately three months!!! i never have to say goodnight to him + watch him drive away again. i get to see him every morning when i wake up. i get to make a home -- a real, honest-to-goodness home -- with someone (not just anyone... but MY someone).
2. fear -- i will be getting married. marriage is a BIG DEAL. (no... really?)
3. panic -- are the plans for the wedding sufficiently under way? am i missing something? have i got all my bases covered? i just really, really don't want anyone left holding the proverbial bag. i want everyone (me + tim included) to enjoy the day + be entirely relaxed.
4. peace -- i know that i know that this is the right person, the right time, the right place. i love him completely. i am loved unabashedly in return. and the wedding? well, it's just a party. it's going to be great.

breathe, lisa. just breathe.

the girly version

as promised, here is the "she said" version of the engagement story. complete with visual images for your enjoyment.

i had a feeling that a proposal was imminent. in fact, i think i commented as much to some of my girlfriends. tim + i were coming up on our 2-year dating anniversary, so i thought... that seems like a good time to propose.

i thought that if he did it, he would do it on the actual day of our anniversary (february 20). we got all gussied up + went to a fancy restaurant. the food was INCREDIBLE. we had a good time just talking + being flirty.

now, just to be clear... i was not holding my breath, waiting for the proposal. a while back, tim + i had our worst fight ever. i won't go into all the nitty gritty of it, but the outcome was that i realized that i had been (unconsciously) trying to control the relationship... move it in the "right" direction at the "right"time. and that in doing so, i was not letting tim take his place in the relationship as the leader and chief pursuer. it was a painful lesson, but i was able to let go and just live in the moment. i didn't need to know where we were headed and when. i could just trust God to lead us. and i knew that i could trust tim to hear and heed His leading. i was completely at peace about the whole deal.

so when tim didn't propose that night, i kind of figured that he was waiting until he finished school. and that seemed wise + okay to me.

i knew that he had all kinds of fun things planned for the next day. it felt pretty cool to me that he had taken all kinds of thought and preparation to surprise and spoil me for our anniversary. we went to breakfast at the place that has sort of become "our" place... the egg and i. has a leisurely breakfast. we talked + talked about all sorts of things. it was so good to have some time set aside from the bustle of life to just be together + communicate about the important, deep things + the trivial, silly fun things.

after that, he took me to a paper store + a my favorite bookstore. we browsed around. the perfect kind of day so far.
now, in order to understand the awesomeness of the next part of the day you need to know this: i am a bookstore connoisseur. i pride myself on knowing all the cool spots to find old books at good prices. so when tim pulled up to our fourth destination, i was befuddled. he found a lovely little hole-in-the-wall shop called whitney books + prints. there were piles of gorgeous old books, stacks of antique art prints, old maps (sigh!), and a shelf-full of photo albums overflowing with photos of old buildings in minneapolis + st. paul that don't even exist anymore. there was a mint condition two-volume first edition copy of uncle tom's cabin (available for the reasonable price of $9,000) that i drooled over (but not ON). tim gave me a dollar figure and said i could buy whatever i wanted with it. i could have stayed all day. i finally settled on a late 19th-century illustrated volume of greek history. the owner threw in a 1910 yarn catalogue + knitting guide for $1. when we left, i was euphoric. literally grinning from ear-to-ear. i was so impressed that tim had found such a jewel of a store.

after we left the store, tim was oddly quiet. i thought i had worn him out, spending so much time in a book store. so when he said there was one more place on the docket, i was a little surprised. when he pulled up to uncommon grounds, i thought, "oh good. a place to sit + relax." i can't remember who suggested exchanging gifts there, but i thought it a good idea. it was the place of our first official date + seemed appropriate.

i had been racking my brain for weeks, trying to come up with a good anniversary present for tim. in the course of some organizing, i happened to come across an old journal. inside was a list i had made several years ago. i had just come out of a series of really damaging relationships + had decided that i was through with dating for a while. i went on a silent retreat shortly afterward, + during that time, i asked God what he wanted in a husband for me. i made a list of qualities during that weekend. it was pretty specific. i hadn’t looked at the list since tim + i had started dating, but when i was reading over it i started to cry. i realized that tim was (IS) every single thing on that list. and then some.

the match was too uncanny not to share with him. so, i printed up the list + used wine + tea to dye the paper to make it look old. then i tied it up like a scroll with a ribbon. i wrote him a card that explained what the list was + how amazed i was at reading the list + realizing that God had given me exactly what i most deeply longed for without my even looking for it. that he had given me timothy.

in retrospect, i have to say that it was pretty cool to have been able to give that list to him even before he proposed to me (though it was only a few minutes before).

then it was my turn to open a present. i seriously had no thought whatsoever that he would propose that day. so, i was completely engrossed in the moment and blissfully able to soak it all in.

i opened the book and immediately started crying. i saw the date of the first entry in the journal + realized that he had been laboring over this gift for nearly two years. my tim! the same tim who, when we first started dating, had a difficult time telling me how he felt. the same tim who gets physically worn out after a long conversation. the same tim to whom words do not come easily had spent literal years finding words to tell me how much he loves me.

he asked if he could read some of the entries to me. yeah. no problem there.

as he read, i felt my heart open wider than it has ever been open, for as long as i can remember. the words he read to me were so poetic, the sentiments so honest and heart-breaking. i felt like the most beautiful, the most treasured, the most loved girl on the entire planet. i felt like the princess of the world. i had never felt that way before. i had never let love touch my heart in that way. i was smiling so widely and crying so hard i thought my face would crack.

and then, in one movement, he turned the page and got down on his knee. i was almost too overwhelmed to realize what was happening. almost.

he took my hand, looked into my eyes, and asked me to be his wife. i couldn’t speak for the tears, so i kissed him until i could recover. and then i said, “yes. yes. yes. i love you. yes.”

he slid the ring on my finger. and then he explained that the ring had belonged to his great-grandmother. it was her engagement ring. and that it had been in the family for 100 years. i feel so honored to be wearing his family’s history on my hand.

i feel so honored to be loved this well, this deeply. to be accepted for who i am. to have such a wonderful friend, on whom i can pour all the love and desire that is in my heart. to be so graced with openness and ease of communication. to feel so safe, so protected, so treasured.

and to have the heart of this man. i do not feel worthy. but i do feel so happy.

productive weekend

accomplished:

1) wedding dress purchased
2) first money fight of our relationship resolved amicably
3) marathon registration event at bed, bath + beyond completed without incident
4) picked up the newly-reinforced and resized engagement ring from the jeweler
5) beginning to shop for suits for the guys
6) looked for airline tickets for honeymoon
7) verified that the church is available for an afternoon wedding

wahoo! i'm so proud of us.

excitement and the grand plan

people keep asking me if i am excited to get married. my response is always the same:

"of course i'm excited. but not the jumpy-squealy kind of excited. the this-is-just-so-right excited."

what i mean by that is that it goes way deeper than the word "excited" can convey. because excitement fades. it leads up to something and then, after the "something" occurs, it's recedes... like the ebb and swell of the ocean. what i feel is entirely different than that. it's more constant. longer lasting. it's inside my stomach, almost a tangible sensation. when i think about giving my life to tim and him giving his life to me, i almost ache with the joy and wonder and awe of it.

and then i feel the sheer majesty of god's plan for his whole people. i realize that human love, marriage, parenting, friendship... these are all minute pieces of the grand plan: for the creator to show his greatness through his unending, unfailing, unchanging love for (relatively) insignificant and faithless people. he amazes me. because we are not insignificant to him -- even in all his greatness. we are of infinite worth to him because he chooses to make us so.

and all of these startling ideas and realizations are bound up with the "excitement" i feel about marrying tim. because i know that the great god is a part of it. or rather, that we are a part of him.

rethinking the plan

well, last night after financial class, i took a good, hard look at our wedding budget. and i realized that my plans had gotten larger than my pocketbook. SO! now it's time to get creative.

i was explaining to tim the way i plan events: i get a picture of the end result in my head and then figure out how to get there. and since my old picture had to be thrown out the window, for the most part, i need to get a new picture. and that is the stressful part for me. once i have a picture, i'm good.

so... here's hoping for a new "best" picture.

there is only one (very unsophisticated) word for this...

are you ready for it?

"wow."

i just keep saying that word over and over.

last night, i was talking to God about my worries and concerns. of course, finances came up among the myriad other concerns. but really, worrying about my finances is just a symptom of something deeper. for me, it's this: i do not believe that God wants to pour out good things into my life. i believe that he wants good things for me in a vague, overarching sense. but i have a difficult time comprehending a God who would allow me to " feast on the abundance of [his] house; and give [me] drink from [his] river of delights."

as i was talking to him about these things, i realized that i had this sort of cap-in-hand, beggar mentality. and i thought, "well, that's kinda lame." so i just told him that i wanted to trust him. to believe that he wants good and has good in store for me. not only the overarching, nebulous kind of good, but the deep, deep, spirit-satisfying kind of good. and i left it at that.

this afternoon, i got an email from a friend of mine. she's been in my life to varying degrees for the past ten years and has been a sister and a friend to me throughout. the email was from her and from another friend of mine -- one who has been a wise voice and a safe harbor for me more times than i can count. it said that together they wanted to bless tim+ me with the flowers and decorations for our wedding.

i started crying (of course) immediately. here's why: God knows me so well. he knows all the dreams and hopes i've stored up. not for my wedding, so much (although, of course that figures in), but for the whole of my life. he knows the disappointments and the failings and the just plain old disbelief that i've had. and i knew that he decided to show me that he Loves me. yes, Love with a capital "L." that he cares, really and truly, about the girly parts of me that i often hide in embarrassment. that he cares enough to move my friends' hearts to be his hands.

all of that is just a tiny expression of his amazing-ness. he is entirely awesome and altogether beautiful. i am his. he is mine. and his banner over me is love, hope and peace in abundance. not because i deserve it, but because he says so.

wow.

decisions, decisions

well, things are coming along.

we've got our date.
the ceremony site.
the pastor.
the wedding party.
the colors.
the theme.

i've even tried on a few dresses. (big, huge thanks to bridgitte and melody on that one. they took great care of me after my brain fried.)

now it's all just details.
we found a photographer that we love, but need to work it into our budget.
we know where we'd like to hold the reception, but need to talk to the right people.
we know exactly how we want our save-the-date cards to look, but need to actually make them.

i'm actually really loving all the planning. and i'm so aware that i have fantastic people that i want to share all this with -- and who want to share it with me.

and here's the real kicker -- in exactly six months i get to marry my favorite person on the whole planet. i feel like the luckiest, happiest girl ever.


p.s. i will be giving the girly version of the engagement story in the next week or so. just compiling evidence. (!)

Proposal

The story of how I came to ask for Lisa Kieffer's hand in marriage...

I learned some things about Lisa early in our dating relationship.
1. Lisa really likes books
2. Lisa loves maps
3. Lisa loves to receive letters
I stored this away in my mind. When we had been dating for about 3 months I saw a beautiful hard cover leather bound journal.
I had this idea: I should buy this and write letters to Lisa in it to give her later. Although I did not know at that point that we would get married I cut out a spot in the pages for a ring to fit.

>>Fast Forward>> to February, 2009.

I spoke with both of Lisa's parents in the 2 weeks leading up to the day. It was the most excruciating thing to have to hold my feelings of excitement and joy inside after they both gave their permission and blessing for me to marry their daughter.

I already had some ideas about how to propose. Now I just needed to fine tune them. I had a couple days off of school earlier in the week so I researched bookstores in Minneapolis. I found one which she had been to. I found another one, a tiny hole in the wall shop that sells old books, maps and art prints as well as photos of old buildings. I was so excited to take her there. I was really hoping she had not been there before.

Friday February 20, 2009-
Our 2 year anniversary. We went out to a fancy restaurant in Minneapolis and talked and enjoyed the evening baking brownies at her appartment. Then, the following morning I picked her up at 10 to celebrate our anniversary. I had a secret list of places to take her. We went out for brunch at The Egg and I in Uptown where we have gone on numerous dates. It was wonderful to just relax and talk and eat a great breakfast. Then we went to a bookstore, and a stationary/paper store both of which she had been to before. In between each destination I would tell her to close her eyes so I could look at the secret list so I could see where we were going next.

-Side Note-
I wrote the list because I have a bad memory and I was so nervous leading up to the day I didn't want to forget where to go. I had butterflies and tornadoes and rollercoasters in my stomach for the whole week before. I wanted the day to be perfect.

Next we went to the tiny bookstore she had never been to before, Whitney Books and Prints, in Minneapolis. She absolutely loved it! I was so proud to have found such a great place she had never been. She would have stayed all day if she could.

I had remained calm and collected all day up untill this point: We left the bookstore to go to Uncommon Grounds in Uptown, where we had our first date. When we arrived I scoped out the coffee shop and was relieved that it was mostly empty. I was terribly nervous as I carried our drinks to the table. I thought I would spill the drinks and burn myself..

After we had talked for a bit and sipped our drinks we decided it was time to open our anniversary gifts to eachother. I opened mine first. It was wonderful. In the gift was a list of 30 things that Lisa wanted in a husband, along with a card telling me that I was ALL of those things. And then some! It was an amazing gift and I felt so loved, appreciated and valued.

Then, I gave her my gift. The book. Wrapped in a map. As she opened it and saw what it was she started crying. I knew that she knew what was in the book. Not the ring mind you, but letters filled with my thoughts and feelings about her. Dreams and hopes, memories of us. I asked her if I could read a couple entries to her. I untied the string holding it shut and opened it to the first bookmark. I read 2 entries to her that expressed how I see her. That I am amazed every time I discover something new about Lisa. My heart jumps when I hear her voice.

Then I turned to the second bookmark. I turned the book around so she could see the ring inside the pages. Stepping into the isle I got down on my knee and asked her. Lisa Dawnelle Kieffer, will you marry me? She was bawling, surprised and glowing, she kissed my mouth and then said yes.

I was on top of the world

Some of my deepest hopes and dreams are comming true. I am engaged to an amazing girl! I admire the way she loves people. She takes time to listen and ask questions. She loves and values children. She cares and nurtures with the heart of God.

I am honored and humbled that Lisa wants to spend her life with me. Learning and growing. Walking though lifes joys and sorrows. Growing old and learning to love God, eachother and people. I am simply blown away.

Timothy