Thursday, May 20, 2010

giving up. or, love is risky.

what if we stop having a ball?
what if the paint chips from the wall?
what if there's always cups in the sink?
and what if i'm not what you think i am?

what if i fall further than you?
what if you dream of somebody new?
what if i never let you win and chase you with the rolling pin?
well, what if i do?

cause i am giving up on making passes
and i am giving up on half-empty glasses
and i am giving up on greener grasses
i am giving up

what if our baby comes in after nine?
what if your eyes close before mine?
what if you lose yourself sometimes?
then i'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

cause i am giving up on making passes
and i am giving up on half-empty glasses
and i am giving up on greener grasses
i am giving .... i'm giving up on greener grasses
i am giving up .... for YOU.... i am giving up

lately, i've been thinking about love. and marriage. and what it takes to really "make it." to have a love -- and a marriage -- that stands the tests of time, cultural influences, familial and scheduling pressures, raising children (or not), career choices, the loss of friends and kindred, the change of seasons, and myriad other things.

i've been realizing that i have all these little buried fears and insecurities that have to do with spending myself so completely on one thing... on one PERSON. it's a fearful act of trust and faith to be married. and i am such a flawed, frail individual.

i suppose that's the part of the question that only has one Answer. that somehow, i must reach out to the One who is Love incarnate... to give me strength to be more honest, more sincere, more trusting, more hopeful, more faithful, more sacrificially giving than i have the heart to be in my own power. and i must choose to do this day in and day out. to give myself up to the questions, to defy my own fears and just keep walking.

i look around and see examples of incredible longevity and joy. and i also see deep brokenness. i want my life, and our life together, to be the former.

i'm desperately hopeful. and, once again, i'm giving up.


  1. thanks for sharing the poem and your thoughts, lisa! i have some of the same fears and insecurities. thankfully, i already know there will always be cups in the sink at our house. :)
    can't wait to see you at the big party!
    love livvy

  2. Dear Lisa,

    I hear your hearts cry for the way it was.

    As time goes by you learn to work together and around each other. It is like a dance.

    As you are dancing you may want to do other steps then come back.

    I have found out that doing things with my friends once in a while is a good thing for me and mark.

    I am happy to come home and share the fun I had and hear what mark had been doing while I was gone!

    Movies, plays, walks, shopping, visting and going out to eat with friends. A trip to the hospital when I had to have my ring cut off when I went to see steve in california, falling down bolders injring my knee and car mishaps. Sharing the beauty of flowers, birds and animals I've seen are adventures with my friends that I got to tell mark about.

    It was good to have separate interests from time to time with my friends.

    Enjoy the time together and the time with your friends !

    Kathy Heaner

  3. to clarify to all our readers:

    tim and i are doing very well. we are still crazy in love. still happy -- almost sickly so. still honeymooners.

    my post was about some momentary internal angst i was having about the "what ifs" in life, as opposed to any actual, real-life problems.

    we're good. we really are! :)

  4. Of course ya are!
    I think the poem is beautiful.
    Isaac and I share the same kind of love that you and Tim do. It really is a wonderful mystery.