are you ready for it?
i just keep saying that word over and over.
last night, i was talking to God about my worries and concerns. of course, finances came up among the myriad other concerns. but really, worrying about my finances is just a symptom of something deeper. for me, it's this: i do not believe that God wants to pour out good things into my life. i believe that he wants good things for me in a vague, overarching sense. but i have a difficult time comprehending a God who would allow me to " feast on the abundance of [his] house; and give [me] drink from [his] river of delights."
as i was talking to him about these things, i realized that i had this sort of cap-in-hand, beggar mentality. and i thought, "well, that's kinda lame." so i just told him that i wanted to trust him. to believe that he wants good and has good in store for me. not only the overarching, nebulous kind of good, but the deep, deep, spirit-satisfying kind of good. and i left it at that.
this afternoon, i got an email from a friend of mine. she's been in my life to varying degrees for the past ten years and has been a sister and a friend to me throughout. the email was from her and from another friend of mine -- one who has been a wise voice and a safe harbor for me more times than i can count. it said that together they wanted to bless tim+ me with the flowers and decorations for our wedding.
i started crying (of course) immediately. here's why: God knows me so well. he knows all the dreams and hopes i've stored up. not for my wedding, so much (although, of course that figures in), but for the whole of my life. he knows the disappointments and the failings and the just plain old disbelief that i've had. and i knew that he decided to show me that he Loves me. yes, Love with a capital "L." that he cares, really and truly, about the girly parts of me that i often hide in embarrassment. that he cares enough to move my friends' hearts to be his hands.
all of that is just a tiny expression of his amazing-ness. he is entirely awesome and altogether beautiful. i am his. he is mine. and his banner over me is love, hope and peace in abundance. not because i deserve it, but because he says so.